Gift For Boyfriend

Describes motivation process for creativity with emphasis on intrinsic motivation by Corey K Katir

Unscrew the Pooch by Dan Savage

I am a 26-year-old straight guy. My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it feels amazing to be able to confidently state this. Here is my trouble: I’ve had gender issues for the past five years. My now ex-girlfriend of three years said she couldn’t be with me anymore due to these issues. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied to my gender issues, and her fears of me transitioning into a woman. I can see now that my insecurities about myself caused me to be a selfish partner in many ways, but mainly in the bedroom. I now realize I was allowing my sexual kinks to get the best of me. I get very turned on by the idea of giving head to a guy, but in reality it is not something that I enjoy. I also find lingerie to be very arousing. I allowed myself to focus so heavily on those aspects of my sexuality that I became insecure in my masculinity inside and outside of the bedroom. I also ended up ignoring the majority of my sexual desires as a result of my insecurity in my gender identity. I have now stopped repressing my lust toward women in general, something I had been doing that negatively affected my ex.

I am asking you, I suppose, for some advice. I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now to be the boyfriend that she wanted me to be. But how do I prove to her that I am no longer the apathetic, distant, and repressed lover that she was with for three years? I find myself overwhelmed with regret. She saw me as someone who couldn’t do the things she needed, when in reality I was just paralyzed by my insecurities.

Found Myself Lost

You’re not asking me for some advice, FML. What you’re doing is handing me a dog with a bloody, torn-up ass and saying, “Hey, Dan, I totally screwed the pooch. Unscrew it for me, wouldya?” Some days, half the mail is from remorseful pooch-screwers, and I do what I can to unscrew their pooches. That’s part of my job. But not every pooch can be unscrewed, FML, and your pooch looks eternally screwed to me.

It wasn’t your gender issues or kinks or anxieties that screwed that pooch. You don’t have to apologize for your gender issues. You were working through some serious shit. What you can be faulted for, FML, is your thoughtlessness, your inconsideration, and your neglect. You were so wrapped up in your own drama that you could barely perceive, to say nothing of meet, your girlfriend’s reasonable sexual and emotional needs.

We don’t have to be perfectly healthy or issue-free before entering into a relationship, of course. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in a relationship. However, we do have to be in relatively good working order, and you were not. Your girlfriend wasn’t looking for an issue-free guy; no such animal exists. But she wanted a guy who could have his issues and still make an effort to meet her needs. And your poor, neglected, taken-for-granted girlfriend stuck it out for three long years, hoping you might turn into that kind of guy-with-issues, before finally calling it quits.

And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she walked out.

So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you’ve come to a couple of big realizations: You know yourself to be a straight man now, and you can see that you were a terrible boyfriend then. You were so wrapped up in your own anxieties and kinks and insecurities that you couldn’t meet her needs then, but you can now. The only way you prove this to her, of course, is if she takes you back. Considering the price she paid when you were struggling—inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender issues—she’s likely to pass. Because life is basically one big issue after another, and she may have concluded that you’re incapable of having an issue and being a decent boyfriend simultaneously.

If she doesn’t take you back—if that pooch can’t be unscrewed—resolve to learn from your mistakes, FML, and refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.

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Hooking Up by Dan Savage

Is it possible for a hookup to turn into a relationship?

Hoping One Person Enters

A hookup is a relationship, HOPE. It may be a short-term relationship, but it’s a relationship regardless.

And, yes, a short-term hookup can turn into a long-term relationship, HOPE, but not if you’re treating your hookups like shit (because they’re only hookups!) and not if you’re willing to let the people you hook up with treat you like shit (because you’re only a hookup). Treat your hookups like people you might actually see again—like human beings with human feelings, not just human holes and/or poles—and you might actually see them again.

You might even wind up in a long-term relationship.

Now, sometimes people hook up with strangers precisely because they wanna have sex with someone they don’t know and don’t expect to see again. And that’s not always a bad idea: Having sex with someone who you don’t expect to see again can be very liberating. A girl who can’t let herself go with a guy she’s dating—maybe she fears being slut- or nympho-shamed by a boyfriend—will grind the dick off a hookup. And it can be easier to ask someone you don’t expect to see again to do something kinky. Say a straight boy has always wanted a girl to put him in her panties and peg his ass. He could ask a girlfriend to do that for him, sure, but the stakes are higher. What if she freaks out and dumps him, and blabs to her friends—and his—about why she dumped him?

People who divide the fuckable world into those they care about (and can’t open up to sexually) and those they don’t care about (and can open up to sexually but won’t date) wind up having awesome sex with people they don’t know and lousy sex with people they marry. That’s not a good strategy for anyone interested in a successful—and sexually fulfilling—long-term relationship.

So here’s what you should do, HOPE: Be uninhibited with your hookups while treating them like people you might actually see again, and insist on being treated that way in return. Don’t hook up with people who treat you like shit; don’t treat the people you hook up with like shit. Even if you know you’re not going to see someone again—maybe they’re not someone you would date, or circumstances are such that you couldn’t date them even if you wanted to (business trip, European vacation, spring break, etc.)—treat your hookups with kindness, respect, and gratitude.

Finally, HOPE, some people treat hookups like shit—only after they’ve come, natch—because they want their hookups to understand that they’re not interested in a relationship. That’s not just assholery, assholes, it’s completely unnecessary assholery. If someone was kind enough to suck your dick or fuck your brains out—if someone hooked up with your ass—a little kindness and consideration isn’t too much to ask. If you’re worried that your hookup might misinterpret “kindness and consideration” for “I want to be with you forever,” tell them—gently and directly—that you’re not interested in a relationship.

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Ass Ed by Dan Savage

I’m gay and a junior in high school, and I’ve had a boyfriend for a year. (He’s one year older than me, Dan, so relax!) We are out to our parents and everyone is supportive. We are not bullied or suicidal or using drugs. But we are frustrated! We had sex education in our schools, but they didn’t cover gay sex. (Big surprise!) I tried to talk to my mom about gay sex, and all she said was “please use condoms.” We tried and we used condoms, but I think we must be doing something wrong because we can’t do it. We are ready to start having real gay sex—with me on the bottom, at least for now!—and we are frustrated and feel like failures as gay men. Any advice?

Tell Us Something Helpful

P.S. Do we really need to use condoms? We are both virgins and each other’s first boyfriend.

You and your boyfriend aren’t failing gayness, TUSH.

Gay men and boys can be successes in life, in love, and in the sack without acing—or even enjoying—anal intercourse. Anal doesn’t define you as gay men and it certainly isn’t all there is to gay sex. There are so many ways that you and your boyfriend can get off together—mutual masturbation, oral sex, frottage (aka “wet humping”)—that are just as pleasurable, just as “real,” and just as gay as anal intercourse. But if you and your boyfriend want to give anal another go, TUSH, here’s a crash course in anal sex ed…

First, experiment on your own. Use fingers and toys and lots of lube. I recommend that you get your hands on a butt plug, get your ass on that butt plug, and get yourself off with that butt plug in your ass. Exploring anal penetration solo will allow you to experience anal pleasure without any pressure or expectations, TUSH. You can really take your time and you won’t feel like you’re disappointing your boyfriend if you have to bail.

Your boyfriend should do the same. I don’t care if your boyfriend is a top—or thinks he is, or is topping because you want to bottom—your boyfriend will be a better top if he knows what it feels like to be penetrated and enjoys penetration himself.

Okay! So you’ve both done some exploring on your own—jacked off with fingers and toys—and there you are, just you and your boyfriend, hanging out. Your butts are squeaky clean and, hey, you’ve got the house all to yourselves… is it time to fuck? Not yet. Now you’re gonna spend some time sticking fingers and toys in your butts and jerking off together. For extra credit, you can experiment with rimming, if you haven’t already, as nothing relaxes anal sphincters quite so effectively. (Once more with feeling: squeaky-clean butts!) The point is for you to do anal a few times with the boyfriend and for both of you to get off—you and the boyfriend—without his dick going anywhere near your ass.

Now you’re ready to get fucked.

You’re going to need lots of lube, TUSH, and lots of patience. Have your boyfriend apply lube directly to your hole; he should gently rub your hole for a bit, to help it relax, before using a finger or two to push some lube just inside you; you can apply the lube to his dick. Move into whatever position feels most comfortable for you—him on top, you on top, face-to-face, doggy-style—and point the tip of his hard cock directly at your hole. He should apply some pressure: uniform, constant, gentle pressure. You’ll feel your asshole begin to open as the head of his cock enters you. Keep breathing as the rest of his dick slowly—a fraction of an inch at a time—slides into you.

Once he’s all the way inside, TUSH, your boyfriend may be tempted to start banging away, porn-star style, but that would be a huge mistake. Your boyfriend should instead stay perfectly still for the first minute or two while you breathe and relax. Kiss your boyfriend and stroke yourself during the brief lull before the fucking starts. Then he starts moving inside you—very slowly. He pulls out an inch or two and slides back in, you keep breathing and stroking, he pulls back an inch or two more and slides in. With each successive thrust, your boyfriend will be able to pull out a little farther, TUSH, and before you know it, he’ll be fucking the hell out of you. The whole process (the hole process?)—from patient foreplay to full-on assfucking—takes 30 minutes at least.

P.S. You don’t have to use condoms, but you should. Using condoms is a good habit to get into, TUSH, and if you have any concerns about cleanliness, well, a condom is your best friend. There are lots of gay guys out there—including guys as young as you—who got infected with HIV by boyfriends, including first boyfriends, who lied or didn’t know or fucked up. So listen to your mother and use condoms, TUSH, along with a water-based lubricant.

I am an intern at the health and wellness center at my university. This is safe-sex-awareness month on campus. We got donations from some sex toy companies. Among the products we received is something marketed as “Desensitizing Anal Wipes” by a company called California Exotic Novelties.

We gave away these samples at our recent expo. After the fair, a student came up to my boss and me. As a young gay man, he expressed concern that desensitizing anal wipes were not safe to use, as masking pain could in fact lead to engaging in activities that you may not otherwise. I am assuming that what he meant here is that if you are experiencing pain during anal sex, you probably shouldn’t proceed. I know with anal you need to take things slow, use lots of lube, and work your way up to it, but that’s about the extent of my knowledge in this area. But I’d like to know what the Dan Savage take is on anal desensitizing wipes. Yay or nay?

A Sensitive Subject

Googling “desensitizing anal wipes” got me this: “…perfect for using before anal sex to reduce friction pains and ease entry.”

Anyone who’s too stupid to use lube for anal sex—or anyone who is using lube but somehow doesn’t realize that reducing friction and easing entry is what lube is down there to do—probably won’t be harmed by a “desensitizing” moist towelette that retails for $3.99. I don’t know what the active ingredient is, ASS, but I can’t imagine it’s a pharmaceutical-grade topical anesthetic. So I doubt that anyone who uses a DAW is going to wind up with an ass so benumbed that he won’t realize he’s being torn to shreds until after he sees blood and santorum all over his sheets, pillows, walls, floor, boyfriend, ceiling, Xbox 360, cats, etc.

That said, ASS, desensitizing anal wipes play on common fears and misconceptions about anal sex—namely, that anal sex is supposed to hurt. Anal done right isn’t painful, of course, even if it takes time, practice, and some patience to get used to. Some people do experience discomfort when they first attempt anal, but discomfort isn’t pain. It’s important for people to understand that if anal sex hurts, they’re doing it wrong—not enough lube, not enough foreplay, not enough practice—and they need to stop. Desensitizing wipes send the opposite message.

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Premarital Counseling by Dan Savage

My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We’re both 27. About a year ago, he admitted to me that he is bi—which I was surprised about. I told him that I was bi-curious. We have had talks about meeting with other couples. I am very insecure. I have been with very few men and no women (beyond kissing). Today, he told me that a few weeks ago he signed us up on a personals website and posted a picture of me naked from the waist down on the site. I was shocked and upset. I have NEVER posted nude pics of myself anywhere! I felt this was a violation of my privacy. He says that I wasn’t actively doing anything about getting outside partners, so he wanted to show me that I’m attractive and that other people thought so. He got angry when I tried to explain why I was upset. He said that if this is how I’m going to react, he’d take the whole thing down. When I tried again to explain that I was hurt that he didn’t talk to me first and I actually did want to see the responses, he said, “Fuck it,” he was giving up, and he refused to show me the responses.

1. Is it that ludicrous to be upset about naked pics of me being posted on the internet without my knowledge?

2. Do I deserve time to think about the naked-pic situation before he gives up?

3. Does he have a right to feel angry with me for being initially upset?

What Should I Do?

1. No.

2. Yes, you deserve some time to think about the naked-pic situation. You might also want to carve out a little time to think about the whole engaged-to-a-manipulative-and-petulant-piece-of-shit situation.

3. No, he does not. Your reaction was not only understandable, WSID, it was one he should’ve anticipated. Maybe he thought it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, and maybe he thought it wasn’t a big deal because it wasn’t a face pic, and maybe he hoped positive responses would heal your insecurities and prompt you to retroactively approve of his actions. He was wrong. But instead of apologizing for his thoughtlessness—instead of taking responsibility for his actions—your fiancé attempted to shift the blame onto you. (You weren’t actively seeking out sex partners so, like, what other choice did he have?) He’s the one who fucked up, and yet you’re the one who’s in trouble. If he can’t apologize, WSID, if he can’t stop trying to blame you for his own stupidity, if he doesn’t stop withholding those responses from you, per your request, you really should rethink your plans to marry this man. Bi and sexually adventurous are great traits in a mate, dishonest and emotionally abusive are not.

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Catnip by Dan Savage

I have an awesome relationship with an awesome guy. He loves me and takes care of me. I’m GGG and he’s vanilla. I only draw the line at poop, animals, and children. But he’s never asked me for anything other than vanilla sex. Which is why I don’t know what to do. I went downstairs late the other night, and he was sitting on the couch masturbating while stroking the cat, which was sitting on his chest. The cat was sitting ON him, Dan, WHILE he was yanking himself. I don’t know if he saw me. I went right back upstairs and went to bed. In the morning, he acted like nothing happened. Now I don’t know what to do. Confront him? Get him help? Get rid of the cat?

Can’t Analyze This

Pets want to be petted, and some pets are pushy about getting their pet on. Bearing that in mind, CAT, I want you to pick the two likeliest scenarios out of these four options:

A. Your boyfriend is attracted to your cat.

B. Your awesome boyfriend—unlike so many other boyfriends—is capable of doing two things at once.

C. Your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking the Almond Roca out of your cat’s ass.

D. Your awesome boyfriend needed to rub one out and he was considerate enough to slip out of bed and go downstairs—so as not to wake you (he’s awesome like that)—and there he was, lying back on the couch, concentrating on the task at hand, when the cat jumped up on his chest.

Now, you were there, CAT, and I wasn’t, which means you’re in a much better position to judge. But I think B and D are the likeliest scenarios: Your boyfriend was having a wank when the cat jumped on him, for a few moments he divided his attentions between stroking the cat and stroking himself—those moments you were unlucky enough to witness—and at some point he pushed the cat off his chest and turned back to the task at hand.

But, again, you were there, CAT, I wasn’t. So did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating about the cat, with the cat, or at the cat? Or did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating in the immediate vicinity of the cat? These are questions that only you can answer.

And here’s a question that only your boyfriend can answer, CAT, and I think you should put it to him: “I came down the other night and you were beating off with the cat sitting on your chest—what was that about?”

And here’s the answer you’re likely to get: “I was jerking it and the cat jumped up on me and I petted her for a minute mid-wank—but I didn’t want to lose my hard-on and have to start all over, so the part of my brain that regulates higher boner function instructed my right hand to go into erection-maintenance mode. But I wasn’t perving on the cat, honey, I swear.”

Your awesome boyfriend will say that even if he was perving on the cat, CAT. But if he has the decency and good sense to lie to you about it, you should have the decency and good sense to pretend to believe him.

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Boys, Boys, Boys by Dan Savage

I am the father of a recently out 18-year-old gay boy. Here’s the problem: My son is in a relationship with a 31-year-old guy. I’m not okay with that. Yes, my son is a legal adult at 18 and can make his own decisions, but he’s also still in high school. His mother argues that in order to be supportive, we can’t object to this relationship. I don’t think this is a gay versus straight objection. If I had an 18-year-old heterosexual daughter who was in a relationship with a 31-year-old man, I would have exactly the same concerns and objections. Beyond that, even if I can establish that it’s okay to have an objection, or to feel the need to take some action to be supportive for my son, I don’t know what I can or should do. What say you, oh wise one?

One Concerned Dad

Your wife is wrong.

Homophobic parents are bad for gay kids. But “supportive” parents who let their gay kids get away with murder—supportive parents who stop parenting their gay kids because they worry about seeming homophobic if they object to lousy gay boyfriends, choices, apparel, etc.—aren’t doing their gay kids any favors, either. Your son, despite what he might tell you, needs his parents to advise him, meddle in his affairs, even object and interfere.

Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes, OCD—I would take my son’s 31-year-old boyfriend out for a beer and ask him a lot of pointed questions: How did you meet my son? Are you having sex with my son? Are you using condoms? What is your HIV status? How old was your last boyfriend? And, finally, do you realize that I will tear you gay limb from gay limb if you hurt my gay kid?

As for your son, OCD, tell him that you realize gay guys his age sometimes date older men because there aren’t a lot of boys his own age to choose from. (If you didn’t already know that, now you do.) And tell your son that this gay dude you know—that would be me, OCD—told you that something’s usually wrong when a 31-year-old is dating a teenager. Something’s usually wrong with the 31-year-old. There are exceptions, of course, and maybe his boyfriend is exceptional—maybe he’s not a jerk who pursues naive boys because gay men his own age can see through his shit—but the simple fact of his age requires that he be subjected to a higher degree of scrutiny than a first boyfriend who was closer to your son’s own age.

Finally, OCD, tell your son that you know he’s an adult and free to date whomever he wants. But you’re his dad and he has to hear you out—whether he wants to or not.

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Need to Know by Dan Savage

I was recently advised to begin reading your column by my therapist. I am a 21-year-old male and a senior at an Ivy League school. Despite my academic success, I’ve battled a lot of stuff in the past few years: anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and porn addiction. It’s quite a load of shit to try to wade through, but I honestly feel I’m getting better.

About sex: Before I even knew what I was really doing, my fantasies involved being subjected to the erotic whims of a powerful female. I’ve tried to hide my interest in “submission” from everyone, including potential and sometimes briefly sexual partners. Only recently have I begun to address this directly. I feel it is, broadly, an issue of sexual orientation that requires something like a “coming out” process. But while there are resources out there for gay people who are coming out, I have no road map. I have told a few friends but don’t think it’s necessary to reveal all this to my family.

I cannot have a fulfilling sexual experience unless my desire to have a tilted power dynamic is understood and indulged, and I don’t think romantic love is possible for me without this part of me being accepted and appreciated. What I would like to do is seek out sexual partners who would be compatible. But when do I bring it up? I have this dread of that moment on a date, perhaps a first kiss, or whatever, when things are becoming unambiguously physical. WTF do I say? Should I try to get involved in a BDSM “scene”? Date “normal” people? Online personals? I don’t want to try to have sex again without it being known or understood. It feels like pretending and it sucks.

Seeks Understanding Baba

Generally, SUB, if it’s something that gay, straight, or bisexual people can all do—like erotic power exchange (bondage, D/s, BDSM, etc.)—then I consider it a sexual activity, not a sexual orientation.

Which is not to say that submission and/or BDSM can’t be hugely important to an individual, SUB, as much about self-conception as it is about sexual expression. But you don’t have to come out to friends and family about being submissive—you don’t have to tell them about the stuff that turns you on—in order to fully accept yourself, get out there and date and find a nice girl who wants to subject you to her erotic whims.

Now, I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t tell people other than the women you date that you’re submissive. You can be as open as you wanna be—say, with friends you feel comfortable telling everything—but the only people who absolutely, positively need to know about your desires, SUB, are your sex partners.

So how do you find a partner? Date vanilla girls? Trawl online personals? Get involved in the BDSM scene in your area? Yes, yes, and yes. Get involved in the BDSM scene and take out a kinky personal ad, and maybe you’ll meet a nice, dominant girl who wants a sexually submissive—and Ivy League–educated—boyfriend. At the same time, SUB, date girls you meet during the normal course of your daily life, like any other single guy. After she gets a chance to know you, but before she’s too invested and/or smitten, discuss your kinks with her. This is not a tearful confession, SUB. Your kinks are a selling point; they’re something that makes you a more interesting sex partner. If you open up to a vanilla girl after a few weeks—and some good vanilla sex—and she runs screaming, she wasn’t the right girl for you. (And if she blabs to her friends about you, SUB, you may get a call from a friend of your ex who is the right girl for you.)

Don’t marry the first dominant woman you play with, SUB, or bail on the first strictly vanilla girl with whom you hit it off. A dominant woman you don’t enjoy spending time with outside the bedroom isn’t someone you can realistically spend the rest of your life with; a vanilla girl who really likes you may get there—she may discover that she gets off on being in charge—if you’re patient and attentive to her sexual interests.

Finally, SUB, if you do want to come out to friends and family about being kinky, here’s a great short video on the subject: tinyurl.com/comingoutkinky.

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Bleach Party by Dan Savage

Thank you for your advocacy of monogamishy. (Monogamishness?) When I fell in love with my gloriously kinky and GGG wife several years ago, we were honest about our sexual desires—vast and wide-ranging—and we negotiated an arrangement that works for us. We encourage each other’s outside crushes, and we both just want to be present while one of us is banging that outside crush. Your column gave us the tools we needed to talk with other potentially kinky folks. Thanks!

Anyway, on to our question: When one is staying at a hotel, what is the protocol for engaging in sheet-staining activities? For example, if a session might spread santorum, menstrual blood, female ejaculate, etc. all over the sheets, what to do? Is it better to cover the bed in towels and stain them instead? Are dirty sheets all in a day’s work for the housekeeper, or should we refrain from such activities in hotel rooms? We don’t want to make the housekeeping staff miserable—and we always leave a tip for the maid!—but we don’t want to refrain from sex just because my wife is on her period!

Sheets Tarnished After Intense Nooky

You’re welcome for monogamishamy—the correct noun form of the adjective monogamish—and I’m delighted that it’s helped you and the wife negotiate successful encounters with “outside crushes,” STAIN, and I trust that you and the wife strive to make sure those encounters are as rewarding for the crushes as they are for you two.

Now, about those sheets…

If you’ve booked a hotel room, STAIN, and it’s shark week for the wife or a certain former senator routinely drops in (drops out?) when you have anal sex, there’s always the option of bringing your own santorum- and/or menstrual-blood-colored/stained towels from home.

But let’s say you don’t want to bring towels from home—which is an admittedly anal-in-the-other-sense-of-anal thing to do. Should you lay the hotel’s towels down on the bed or mess up the sheets?

“Mess up the sheets, please,” said the head of housekeeping at the hotel where I happened to be staying when your question arrived. (HOH agreed to speak to me on the condition that I not name her, the hotel where she works, or even the city where it’s located.) “We bleach the holy heck out of those sheets,” HOH continued. “And it is easier to get stains out of sheets than towels. And sheets cost less to replace—at least ours do.”

Anything else someone should do if they’ve made a mess of the sheets?

“If you want to be a total sweetheart,” said HOH, “strip the bed. Pull the sheets off and leave them balled up on the floor. All the ladies know what that means, and I promise you that no one goes poking in sheets left on the floor. They toss that ball in the cart and send it straight to the laundry.” Where they bleach the hell/blood/santorum out of ‘em.

Finally, STAIN, thanks for mentioning that you always leave a tip for the maid. It made me feel less alone—I always leave a tip for the maid, too—and it gives me the opportunity to encourage others to do the same. Anyone who can afford a night or two in a hotel—on business, on vacation, on someone else’s wife—can afford to leave a few bucks for the maid.

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Another Gold-Star Pedophile by Dan Savage

I’m a gay man in my late 20s who has been trying to deal with an attraction to young boys since I hit puberty. I know that what I feel is wrong and wish to Christ that I could have a normally wired brain. I have never abused a child; I do not look at child pornography. But I need to speak to a therapist because I can’t get through this on my own. Bottom line is I’m afraid. Seriously afraid. I don’t know what my legal rights are and I don’t know how to go about getting more information without incriminating myself. I’m sure there are more people than just me who need to talk about this. My problem is that I’m not financially stable enough to afford seeing someone for more than a few sessions. I just can’t keep saying I’m fine, and I can’t let healthy relationships fall apart because I’m unable to talk to anyone about my problem.

Can’t Wish It Away

I shared your letter with Dr. James Cantor, a psychologist, associate professor at the University of Toronto, and editor in chief of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment. (Follow Dr. Cantor on Twitter @JamesCantorPhD.) The first thing he said, CWIA, was that you deserved praise—he called you “an ace”—for making it this far without having committed an offense.

But accessing the support you need to get through the next six or seven decades of life without sexually abusing a child—support the culture should provide to men and women like you in order to protect children—isn’t going to be easy, Dr. Cantor said, particularly if you live in the United States.

“Other countries have created programs to help people like CWIA,” said Dr. Cantor. “Germany has Prevention Project Dunkelfeld, which includes a hospital-based clinic and anonymous hotlines that people who are attracted to children can call when they need to talk to someone, vent, or debrief. In Canada, we have the Circles of Support and Accountability—groups of volunteers who provide assistance and social support and who, in turn, receive support and supervision from professionals.”

But Canada funds these programs only for people who committed a sexual offense. The Circles program isn’t open to “gold-star pedophiles,” my term for men and women who have successfully struggled against their attraction to children without any support or credit. (Yes, credit. Someone who is burdened with an attraction to children—no one chooses to be sexually attracted to children—and successfully battled that attraction all of his adult life deserves credit for his strength, self-control, and moral sense.)

Sadly, in the United States, we’ve taken steps that make it harder for pedophiles to get the support they need to avoid offending.

“One of the recent regulations in the United States is mandatory reporting,” said Dr. Cantor. “These regulations vary by region, but in general, if a client has children or provides care to children and admits to experiencing sexual attraction to children—any children—the therapist is required to report the client to the authorities, regardless of whether any abuse was actually occurring.”

The goal is to protect children, of course, and that is a goal I fully support as a parent and a human being. But broad mandatory reporting policies have an unintended consequence: People like CWIA—people who need help to avoid acting on their attraction to children—are cut off from mental health professionals who can give them the tools, insight, and support they need. Mandatory reporting policies, designed to protect children, may be making children less safe.

“The situation is not completely hopeless, however,” said Dr. Cantor. “Therapists with training and experience working with people attracted to children are keenly aware of the delicate legal situation that both they and their clients are in. A good therapist—a licensed therapist, please—will begin the very first session by outlining exactly what they must report and what they may not report.”

So long as there is no specific child in specific danger—so long as you don’t have children (please don’t), CWIA, and don’t work with children (please don’t)—your therapist is required to keep whatever information you share confidential.

“CWIA should ask questions about confidentiality before disclosing anything to a therapist,” said Dr. Cantor. “He can ask these questions over the phone before making an appointment or even revealing his name.”

To find a therapist, CWIA, you can contact—anonymously—the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (http://atsa.com/request-referral).

“Although that group is primarily about services to persons who have already committed an offense,” said Dr. Cantor, “the professionals in their referral network are able and willing to help people in CWIA’s situation as well.”

Even the few sessions you can afford will help, CWIA.

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Threes by Dan Savage

I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that’s always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was uncomfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn’t stop it at the time because I didn’t want to ruin it for him. It’s been some time, and my heart is still broken. I was completely down with every other aspect of the threesome, but I feel like a line was crossed. Am I wrong to feel hurt?

Heartbroken

Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.

You are one stupid motherfucker.

Here’s how you’re a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condition—no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That’s a fairly common ground rule for first-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor that ground rule. But you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway.

Maybe you felt your wife’s no-penis-in-our-third’s-vagina ground rule was arbitrary. Maybe it seemed like a distinction without a difference—you were already sucking and fondling and kissing and rolling around, why should fucking be against the rules?—but it mattered to your GGG wife. And your wife consented to that threesome only after you agreed not to stick your penis in the other woman’s vagina. And when you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway, you stupid motherfucker, that threesome suddenly became a nonconsensual sexual experience for your wife. And now she feels violated.

Because you violated her.

Adding to her feelings of violation, she felt obligated to play along and pretend she was fine with your penis in the other woman’s vagina because she didn’t want to ruin the experience for you, for starters, and she probably didn’t want to make your third feel uncomfortable—a third who either didn’t know about the no-penis-in-her-vagina ground rule or knew about it and didn’t give a shit (which makes her a malicious motherfucker)—and as a result, your wife may feel complicit in her own violation. Talk about mind-fucks!

That’s how you’re a motherfucker. Here’s how you’re stupid: If you had demonstrated to your wife during your very first threesome that you could be trusted, if you had cheerfully observed the ground rules, this threesome would very likely have been the first in a whole series of sexual adventures. If you had kept your penis out of the other woman’s vagina, you stupid motherfucker, your wife might have trusted you with more and allowed you to do more during a future threesome. You might have gotten to penis-in-vagina intercourse with another woman with your wife’s enthusiastic consent!

To others out there with partners who have agreed to have a threesome: Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don’t use tongue when you kiss the other person, don’t use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the other person’s face but not in the hole[s] in the other person’s swimsuit area.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner’s boundaries—honoring those ground rules—sends a message: “I may be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first.”

And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their ground rules are going to be respected—once they see that their partners can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most—those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.

But that’s not gonna happen for you now, you stupid motherfucker, because you couldn’t honor your wife’s ground rules during your first—and most likely last—threesome. You violated her, you violated her trust, and you screwed yourself out of future sexual adventures. If you ever hope to have another threesome, or to realize some other sexual fantasy, or if your wife has a sexual fantasy that she would like to realize (one that you might enjoy helping her realize), you’re going to need to offer her a plausible explanation and an abject apology.

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‘You know, you can’t trust anyone in this business,’ pop star tells GQ.
By Jocelyn Vena

It’s not always easy being Justin Bieber. At least that’s what the latest profile about the teen superstar in GQ suggests. While Bieber does open up a bit about his personal life, he remains mostly guarded, sharing very little about what goes on when the cameras aren’t rolling or he’s not in the recording studio.

“I mean, I keep my guard up a lot, because you know, you can’t trust anyone in this business,” Bieber says in the June issue of the magazine. “That’s what’s sad. You can’t trust anybody. I learned the hard way.”

Song is a touching tribute to mother and pop-star son’s early life together.
By Jocelyn Vena

Justin Bieber has dropped his ode to his mama, Pattie Mallette, just in time for Mother’s Day. The song, a guitar-driven ballad titled “Turn to You,” breaks down the pair’s life together, and their early struggles as Mallette worked to raise a baby Bieber as a teenager.

Over jangly guitars, Bieber recalls, “You worked two jobs to keep a roof up over our heads/ You chose life for me, no you never gave up/ I admire you for the strength you instilled in me/ You were so young, you were just my age when you had me/ Mom, you were so brave, there was nothing that would stop or get in our way/ And I know you will always be there for me.”

‘Boyfriend’ remixers have nothing but praise for teen crooner and comparisons to their ‘Wait (The Whisper Song).’
By Jocelyn Vena

Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” got the remix treatment from rap duo the Ying Yang Twins this week. The twosome dropped their take on the singer’s single late Wednesday, amping up the song’s sexiness with their signature sense of innuendo.

Playing on the song’s title, the Twins (D-Roc and Kaine) note on their verses that while Bieber is offering up his services as your boyfriend, they’re a little older and a little wiser and want to be your older sister’s man. When MTV News spoke to D-Roc on Thursday (May 10), he talked a little bit about wanting to have fun with the Mike Posner/ Mason Levy-produced track.

Rap duo put their signature sexy stamp on the Believe track.
By Jocelyn Vena

When Justin Bieber dropped his single “Boyfriend” last month, some music connoisseurs compared the track to the Ying Yang Twins’ 2005 hit “Wait (The Whisper Song).” The song’s tempo and production, Bieber’s lyrical delivery, and the general whispery, low-key vibe of the track are reminiscent of the Twins’ track.

Well, the Ying Yang Twins returned the favor on Wednesday by dropping their remix of the song. The track opens with the Twins proclaiming, “Ying Yang and Justin Bieber, oh!” and from there, they spit some sexy lines about whisking a girl off her feet.

Boyfriend

• Artist: Justin Bieber
• Label: Island Def Jam
• Director: Director X

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of over a year and I are going to be graduating with an associateas in a couple of weeks. Yeah, weare still not done yet, but halfway through a bacheloras!

I want to celebrate with both of our families. My boyfriend thinks this is a good idea, but his parents (well, more like his mom), not so much. They plan to exclude me and my family from their plans, even though Iave told them how much I would like to celebrate this event together. They are inviting other people to their celebration who are not so close to my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesnat want to make his mom unhappy.Read full article >>

Dear Carolyn:

I am in a committed relationship with a divorced man who is the father of two young adults, 22 and 24.

My boyfriend was separated six years ago and has been divorced for three. I did not even know him during this time.Read full article >>

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

Iam seriously dating a guy, and weave talked about marriage. He has mostly had a history of casual dating and living up the single life. This has included going to strip clubs. He says he wonat go anymore because of my issue with it. Read full article >>

Hi, Carolyn: Iam depressed about the direction my professional life has taken. I feel like I could cry at any moment. I need a warm word or a hug.

I get this kind of support from my sister and parents but not from my wife. She has been supportive during this time, but she never comes around to giving me any kind of show of support through either an encouraging word or a hug or anything. Her support is mostly silent (and sometimes it seems to be waning or even critical).Read full article >>

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

A friend and I just attended a speed-dating event. She glowed. She wound up with something like 20 avery interestedsa on her contact card. She already has several dates lined up. I will add that she is single only because her last relationship ended due to distance. Read full article >>

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